Another Venting Session

So, I thought the worst had passed and I was really feeling better. I was convinced the 12 week mark would miraculously come upon me with healing - and that gave me hope during the pain.

Until Thursday evening hit.

I really don't know that I have words to describe how horrible the last 4 days have been. Thursday night was bad. Friday was terrible and Saturday is the most miserable I've been in YEARS. Sunday was perhaps a reprive, but only because of Saturday's monster-like qualities. Today I'm just praying to get through things - and unfortunately having to sort through my priorities and activities. I think the message is clear: you're pregnant and that's about all you can handle right now. Thus, family and home must come first and all other things are falling to the wayside... but I'm still struggling against it.

I've noticed that I will have a couple (or a few) pretty good days - meaning I feel okay throughout the day and have a tough, but not quite unbearable evening. And, I spend those days in a cycle that looks like this: recover from the misery (read, rest and play with Ella), think I should start taking care of things around the house (clean one room), decide I'm feeling much better and work hard all day to get things done (run errands, clean as much as I can, get active with Ella). The next day is inevitably EVIL. The nausea comes back in full force, I can hardly get off the couch - even with Ella saying, "NO! Wake up! Wake up! Stop it!" and pulling on my arms - and I'm in a wicked witch sort of mood.

So, now that I've recognized the cycle, I'm hoping I can break it... only do a little at a time. Ever. I guess we'll see. Since no one's exactly sure what brings "morning sickness" on, I can't be sure my over-extending myself makes it worse, or if it is just a hormonal cycle that will happen no matter what I do.


And, on the same note, but also slightly different - this last week Eleanor and I had a lot of time and space to do whatever we wanted. It reminded me a lot of how our life looked about 6 months after we'd moved here. I was involved with a few things, starting to teach piano lessons, but mostly just taking care of Eleanor and our home. We took tons of walks, hung out at the library, napped, read - essentially did whatever pleased us throughout the day. It was a relaxing time of life. This week was a "vacation" of sorts from our "normal" schedule because of others being on vacation, it being break week from Bible Study and also the off week for MOPS. I LOVED having every single one of our mornings free.

This week, however, we're back in full force. And, just the thought of it (having NO free mornings this week) sent me into melt-down mode last night. I just can't imagine recovering from my horrible weekend with a packed week... so I decided I'm not doing Bible Study this session. I will really miss the structured study materials for my morning devotions and I will totally miss the fellowship time with my small group, but I know it's a good decision. I think I'll have to let some other things go, too, but I'm going to pray over those a bit more before I make any complete decisions. It's things like this that are really hard on me emotionally - I just had no idea that this baby would already take such a toll.

I am SO HAPPY about this new life we're creating, but I'm realizing I'm in such a different place than I was when I was pregnant with Eleanor... and it's making things much harder. With Ella, we were knowingly in transition and I was purposefully taking a break from every activity in which I had previously participated. For the last few months, however, I was in full fledged "dive into life and activities in Sheridan" mode. Eleanor is finally at the age where I feel like I have more freedom to pursue things for myself - so I was. I was looking forward to doing more music, was excited to be much more participatory in social gatherings, was working hard at my piano business again, was making new running goals, etc. I know I will be able to transition back again into "baby" mode - and I'm kind of being forced to right now - but it's pulling at me in emotional ways I was unprepared to handle. Honestly, I expected to spend these 9 months of pregnancy just as I was before I was pregnant, only having to make minor adjustments until the baby actually arrives.

Now, with all that being said, I look back at last week's unscheduled schedule and think it was perfect. I am looking forward to feeling better so I can fully appreciate the next several months with my precious toddler - as my only child - and I hope what I'm learning will help me to fully do that. I am also looking forward to a time of totally unscheduled days in the fall when the new baby comes, when my focus will be solely on our family and the way it is growing. I'm thankful I have the capacity to learn from my experiences (and mistakes), I just hope I'm willing to listen to God's messages, and make necessary changes, in a whole-hearted way.